Trust Like an Inch Worm

I found this adorable inch worm that the girls accidentally knocked off a flower he was resting on.  When I went to put him back, I watched him inch along my hand, then stop and stretch blindly looking to find something else to climb on.  When he found nothing he inched along and stretched himself out again, and this blind walk continued until he found the petal I was holding him up to, then he found his spot and remained still.

Now I don't know much about inch worms, but I am a visual person and God often reminds me of things through photographs.  This past week at church we were challenged to trust God in the process.  Right now for me "the process" has more to do with my past than my future (I have no doubt that dynamic will shift in time).  But something that was said really brought my heart to tears.  How many times do we try to guess as to why we are walking in a difficult season.  Or guess as to why something has happened to us or how God is going to use it, most of us cling to Romans 8:28.

{ And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. }  ~Romans

I know I have, and nothing is wrong with that because God truly does work out all negative and all the bad...for a positive purpose.  But I have clung to this, all the while putting so much energy and stress into trying to validate for my own purpose of moving on, why events in my life happened.  I tell myself if I can help just one person get out of an abusive relationship, or help on child get help and move on from a sexually abusive adult...then it would have been worth it.  And I'm sure those rationalizations look different to each person depending on their circumstance.  But I'm trusting in my own understanding, trusting in my own abilities to rationalize and as was stated last Sunday we "put God in a box" when we do that. 

God simply doesn't think like we do, he sees the beginning and the end at the same time, he has the ability to see each of us where we are, he knows what our life is going to look like, the struggles we will face and knows the end result.  He already knew the ending before we were born.  He knew how everything was going to work out and look like.  But we often don't know or even see God working sometimes, until we are able to take a step back and see how things came together.  So much energy (at least for myself) is spent trying to rationalize and see how the pain we endured is going to work out, it helps us to cope.  But what happens when we do not get those answers?  What happens when we have to move on without the answers?  A beautiful testimony was given at church last week and the young lady said all God would say is "I am with you".  While its honestly not what you want to hear when you are looking for answers. 

Just think of your very worst times in life and now think about God being right there simply saying "I am with you".  I think of the scared little girl wondering why she is so hated to deserve the life she was living, and knowing that even though I couldn't see him or feel him, God was with me.  I think of every awful moment in my life and can imagine God saying "I am with you", there has been no person on this earth who has been with me through everything I have gone through, no person that faithful to be there every time I cried, every time I hurt, every time I wanted it to end...yet God was with me at each point.  That is a love that I have never known until recently.  Each of us have felt some level of fear, loneliness and isolation.  But you can let go and be set free of trying to find the answers yourself.  I know we want answers, want to make sense of tragedies and pain, but that isn't our responsibility.  What if you could lay down your fear, your need to know, the energy you are putting in to reasoning it away, and what if you could trust God and move forward. 

Trusting God through the process, means also trusting that he has a plan with what you have been through.  Like the inch worm who takes a few steps and then blindly reaches out find his next step, when he doesn't find it, he takes a few more steps, then reaches out again and reaches out in each direction only to take another step....until he reaches that next step...then he rests.  If a tiny inch worm that most people never see and pay no attention to can have unwavering faith and perseverance in his every step, then we too can learn to trust in the steps we have already taken and the steps we are moving towards.

Home Sweet Alaska

We made it to Alaska!  Stay tuned to see how it's going!

Hey Friends!!!

I know it has been way too long since my last post and I am sorry.  Its been a whirlwind since the beginning of the year.  After finding out we had orders to move from Florida to Alaska I have to admit I have been pretty frightened.  Truth be told I was all about the potential adventure before it was official, but it was as though the day we found out my brain went in reverse.  See in my mind we would leave after one last magical and memorable summer as me swimming as a mermaid in the warm clear Florida waters, and our transition would be simple and exciting.  We would drive across country together with ease seeing amazing views and laughing the whole way.  Only to arrive in Alaska during the Fall and have plenty of time to ease into winter with time to explore, then find an amazingly cute little cabin with lots of land for the girls and to watch the snow fall, and after our 4 years are up get stationed in Hawaii or Guam.  (So the last part I'm still holding out hope for)

So this all sounds fantastically amazing, you would be down for that picture perfect adventure too right?  Well its not that things didn't go according to plan entirely, its more like there were things I didn't take into consideration.  Leaving the friends I had made for one was so much harder than I ever anticipated, leaving the beach was as hard as I imagined but I was much more emotional about it than I should have been, leaving our house which I was just starting to have it exactly how I wanted it, and the number one thing I didn't anticipate was how much work moving was going to be.  It didn't help that we decided it was best if we drove both vehicles cross country, so getting ready for the move I wasn't always looking forward to driving the whole way.

Leading up to our big move we decided the best choice was to rent out our home while we were gone, which I loved over selling so we could have a home to come back to not far from my beloved beaches.  We were due to leave Florida on May 4th, just before the start of summer, and Florida did not play nice and give me warm weather leading up to that date.  Mostly it was cold and rainy, which made me sad.  However honestly with all we had to do if we had spent time on the beach we would have never gotten everything done.  The one thing I learned about our first married PCS was we had accumulated TOO MUCH STUFF!!  The amount of stuff we got rid of was crazy, and the fact that we were one couple living in a four bedroom house and all the bedrooms were full only goes to show that we were spending too much of our time picking up after stuff instead of fully living outside.  A lot of our stuff was because of our side business American Made Gifts and Photography, but we have gained a new perspective on how we live our lives moving forward.

I have to say my husband was so amazing and I fell more in love with him through all of this, because he took care of so much of the paperwork and small detail that went into renting our house and prepping us for the move.  The stuff that I couldn't handle because it made the move real.  I was heart broken about missing out on one last summer at the beach, but I also know myself well enough that I knew once we were underway on our journey I would be ok.  But not getting up at sunrise to walk on the sand or looking for shells or snorkeling to swim with sea life was a difficult realization to come to.  Then all the unknowns of what its like to live in Alaska gave me a lot of anxiety.

But my friends at work made my last memories in Florida extremely special.  My last day at work I had a surprise send off from my co-workers and the kids, I will admit that I shed a lot of tears that week.  While working with kids was not really planned for when I thought of my career path, it has been one of the most amazing jobs I've ever had.  And I can't say it was just because of the job it was the people I worked with and the program that we had.  However the thought of not going into work everyday and seeing the kids did bring tears to my eyes many times over.  There is something special and honoring to work with military kids, being their for them when they are hurting, sharing their successes, understanding how difficult the military life is for our youth, and even standing by while someone else connects with a kid in a better way than you can and see the impact it has on them.



But my co-workers didn't stop there, they threw me a surprise beach party my last Saturday in Florida, which they brought my husband in on to ensure I was where I needed to be.  I can't begin to express my love for this group of people, and the respect I have for them.  Or my desire to lovingly chastise each and everyone of them, because they know how I hate attention and surprises!  So a quick rewind to that Saturday on the beach.  I am relaxing, snorkeling, getting some awesome underwater video of the snorkeling reef off the shore line, talking to lady next to me, and dozing off as I attempt some sort of tan.  When all of a sudden a few hours into my beach adventures (with my little pineapple man I brought with me, he can be seen in the pictures, I brought him to keep me company, little did I know I had plenty of company on the way) I hear my name being called in unison by a very large group of people.  I'm not kidding when I said my blood ran cold, I instantly recognized all of these voices, and quick peek over my shoulder confirmed the reason I did my best to make no sudden movements in hopes I could blend in for a few more seconds before being spotted. 

I laugh now because of how incredibly touched I am by their love, kindness and by the sheer genuineness (such a weird word) of my friends.  For a group of people to give you that loving of a send off when they know how difficult the idea of the move is for you, really humbles a person.  And this was a full blown going away, they brought food (to the pavilion my husband and I had our wedding reception at), drinks, gifts and a projector, audio and a video that my counter part at work Mr. Alvin directed and edited.  I wish I was better with words, to be able to share how touched and how much I appreciate them.  I know in any job everyone is expendable, work goes on without you around and as a whole everyone functions just fine in your absence, nobody is that critical that life doesn't go on without you, but friendships are what last.  And for that moment I was overwhelmed with gratitude, love, and respect for my friends.  Its crazy to think that a little more than a year ago I could count the number of people I counted as friends (locally) on a few fingers at best, to gaining a whole family of friends.

These people supported and encouraged me as I found ways to make this move easier for myself.  One thing I really wanted to do was to document our transition and our travel across country.  One silly way I did that was through photographing Lego people.  You know people really love you when they encourage your extremely silly little ideas instead of just laughing at you.  And my husband has been a real saint about how I choose to deal with our move.  I mean can you imagine being ok with your wife/husband carrying around Lego figures everywhere you go and taking pictures of them, let alone special ordering them online for this project?  I realized if this move was that scary for me, how scary and difficult must it be for our military children, and since April was the month of the Military child I thought if I document my move through Lego figures maybe it will make the whole process seem that much more fun and less scary.  Truth be told while that was my attention I have done little with the photos than post them to Instagram, Facebook and now here.  So my intentions were great, but I probably won't do much more with them.

Saying good bye to family was a difficult thing to do also.  We planned a visit to Massachusetts in January to visit Matt's side of the family, and it was such a fun trip, and it gave me a preview into what winter months I will be looking forward to here in Alaska.  There was a crazy snow storm for us drive through on the way up and we were greeted with about 3-4 ft of snow at his parents house and snow drifts as high 6-7 ft.  But we were able to visit his grandparents, spend time with his parents and I finally was able to meet his cousin.  It was a great inspiring trip, and it does make me excited to play with photos in the winter.  But saying good bye wasn't easy, knowing we will be so far away from everyone really began to hit home for us.

My best friend and basically my adoptive brother James and his new beautiful wife LK came to visit us before we left.  Its crazy how much time goes by and how hard it is to actually meet up with loved ones once you are no longer in the same state.  But I was so happy that we were able to all spend some time together for a long weekend.  And they got to bring their fur-babies along Booker and Bear, so we had a full house and it was simply awesome!  As always we had tons of laughs, unfortunately they shared college stories with Matt that I would have rather never been mentioned again, and we got to explore Destin, FL together.  I miss them already but can't wait to see them up here in Alaska.  Love you guys!!

My mom was the last visit that we had to make and we decided to do it Easter weekend right after her birthday.  As always hanging out with my mom is so much fun, but it was doubly difficult to leave her because we not only said bye to my mom but also my cat.  But he is keeping her company and I love all the updates.  We went out to explore St. Augustine for the day and took tons of pictures, shared lots of laughs and reminisced.  My mom and I share a special relationship and it has only grown stronger over the years.  I hate the we are so far apart again, but I look forward to our Skype dinner dates.  Driving away the morning we had to leave we both played it strong and the second we were out of sight Matt had to pull over and give me a hug because I couldn't hold back the tears.  I hate good byes!!!

Fast forward, its been 24 days since we left Florida, and we are staying in TLF on base.  We have made 3 hotel moves since we arrived 12 days ago, and fingers crossed we get to move into our rental house this Friday.  I plan to post a few mini blogs throughout this week about our trip across country, and then finally I can stay up today with things as they actually happen instead of playing catch up.

Home Sweet Alaska!!

Finally....I'm Not Crazy.....Just Hypoglycemic!

Do you ever feel like you understand yourself better than anyone else, and when something is wrong you know it even if doctors tell you everything is fine?  Well about a week ago in a doctors appointment that my husband accompanied me to, he asked the doctor about my number one issue (Ok well this point can probably be debated).  You see I get internally shaky, light headed, exhausted, irritable (so my husband says ;-) ), rapid heart beat, become uncoordinated, even come close or actually passing out.  I've had my blood sugar tested, even tested it during a "crash" it always came back normal.  The few doctors I did see about it made me feel crazy, almost like I was making it up, because there was no sign of low blood sugar, or others would say I was borderline diabetic (whatever that meant). 

So for the past 10 or so years I have just dealt with the crazy swings of physical symptoms all the while feeling helpless and somewhat crazy.  I had all but stopped asking doctors or telling them my symptoms and pretended everything was fine.  But it wasn't fine and my poor husband can attest to that.  So I was quite embarrassed and panic stricken when my husband brought it up the doctor.  All I could think is here we go again, another doctor who is going to look at me like I am making this up.  But I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for what happened next.   The nurse in the room happens to be a close friend of ours and she is the first person to ever utter the words "hypoglycemia".

While for her it was just another day at work, for me it was a gateway to freedom.  At the time she said it, it wasn't like the heavens opened up and light shone down in a moment of clarity or anything quite so dramatic.  In all honesty I had very little clue as to what it even meant, and was quite skeptical it was really the answer to my problems.  But after a short stroll on Pinterest (my husband on google) I quickly found a kinship with almost all the symptoms that were listed, and the more I have researched the more I realize that everything matched up  (well maybe not the irritability part, I never get moody...lol).  In a few short minutes she managed to do what no doctor had been able to do before, and that was give me hope.  And when I say it was a gateway to freedom I am not exaggerating in the least.

 

I can't begin to explain how horrific a feeling it is to know that something is wrong but everyone telling you there isn't, or misdiagnosing it and giving you no way to change it.  I was told when I get shaky to eat a candy bar, but for me that never helped it would only send me on an up and down rollercoaster of feeling like my body was spiraling out of control to the point that I would be nearing unconsciousness.  How do you explain that your hands aren't shaking but everything internally is shaking, or you feel like your body is shutting down, you have this internal fear knowing something is drastically wrong but nobody can do anything about it.  Yes you think you sound like a raving lunatic...so keep it on the DL.

Over this past week I have learned of more symptoms that make so much sense and explains a lot.   And those symptoms are further proof that I need to take steps now to try and correct it because as of the last month my symptoms are showing in greater severity and more frequent.  This also make sense because we are under a lot more stress at the moment, and stress affects it negatively.  I don't have all he answers and honestly am still learning.  Even now trying to learn all of this and make sense of it, my brain feels cloudy like I am struggling to connect the dots, which has been happing more often lately (Insert blonde joke here).  I have been having difficulties sleeping, when I do sleep I am usually in the company of some pretty terrible nightmares, my highs and lows are worse, I do become increasingly uncoordinated thought out the day (Not that I'm particularly grace on any given good day, but I think people are starting to question my sobriety and I don't really drink...I don't think.....LOL), my vision tends to come and go at times, I am exhausted, I get confused easily, I am nauseous and my heart races. 

The struggle is real!

I have recently learned that hypoglycemia is basically a carbohydrate intolerance (How can my body reject what I love most...so rude).  And there is actually a diet plan that can help get your body back to a more normal level, however it means about two months of no carbs or sugars (WHAT!!??!! Oh cruel cruel world!!! hehe)  .  While this thought is depressing on some level, I sit here writing this after a healthy protein breakfast and still feel the beginnings of a crash coming on.  If you have never experienced it I am sure the severity of it is different for each person, but for me it is horrible!  Feeling out of control and not knowing when you will even out again is terrifying and the yo-yo feeling takes a huge toll on my body.  Like I said the stress makes it worse, so thinking about the strict diet plan doesn't seem so bad, if I can ward off these symptoms.  If I change my mindset of food being fuel other than some sort of decadence than I think I will make it through.  (ok but seriously no sugar...but my sweet tooth!...oh the humanity)

 

Sadly sooo much truth.  You feel your sugar drop and you
try eating anything to get back on track and make it stop!

So starting February 1st I will be going on a very strict diet with no carbs and no sugars.  I do not have it all ironed out yet (Of course I'm not dragging my feet! I totally look forward to saying good bye to carbs and sugars....said NO ONE EVER), but that's what I will be working on this next week.  After two months I will be able to slowly add back in carbs and sugars and basically proceed with trial and error to see exactly what "cheats" I can have.  But honestly all I want to do is eat whatever I want for a week before I start, but instead I'll take this time to slowly say good bye to my old friend caffeinated coffee, bye to sweet treats, and mourn the vibrant world of decedent flavors that I have so enjoyed (Que overly dramatic music here).  But the health benefits will pay off and who knows maybe lose even more weight in the process (Provided the crashes stop I will stop consuming extra calories).  I have no doubts its going to be difficult and I'll want to give up.  But my amazing and healthy husband has agreed to go at this with me in support.  He doesn't have to because his body process' his carbs properly, but he is going to try and do this with me so I'm not alone. 

This is a pancreas all you gutter minded people! Lol

Sorry its not all that entertaining, but its the latest.  I will try and share what information I come up with as far as my diet goes when I figure it out.  And I apologize in advance if you have or do in the near future hear the word "Hypoglycemic" or read it from me more times than you care to.  Its just nice to put a face to the name so to speak, and finally be getting some answers.

Bucket List: Alaska

How many ways can we wish you a Happy New Year...a few

Happy January 7th and Happy New Year!  Admittedly there is nothing terribly special about today, I just wanted to take a moment before the sun comes up and I start working more on the house today to write a quick post.  Its funny how all day long I think up things to write and even think in terms of "blog posts" throughout the day but when it comes time to write I'm drawing a blank.

My favorite New Years Picture

I'm sure its customary to write a reflection blog or a resolution blog at the beginning of the year, however I'm not there just yet.  I did have a great New Years, went to bed early and walked on the beach with Matt for sunrise January 1st.  Other than that we worked on the house...all we do lately it seems.  Well Matt is great at getting me out of the house so I don't get overwhelmed and I'll write more of what we have been up to so far this year later on.

We found two starfish on two different days!

Well let me start by saying that I have challenged the hubby to a wellness challenge.  The challenge I was telling you about at work, is a 90day total transformation challenge, and while I will be just about to leave when it wraps up, I thought it would be more fun to challenge Matt.  We both have fitness goals we would like to reach before leaving, and we are both pretty competitive, so I knew he would accept the challenge...and bonus there will be less junk food in the house to temp me if he is serious about it...so its a win win. 

Nothing like a walk on the beach in the rain for sunrise last week to get me out of my funk.  This man knows
the way to my heart!

This week has turned into hardcore house preparation.  We are putting our house on the market hopefully sometime in the next two weeks and the de-cluttering process just might put me over the top.  Don't get me wrong I love going through stuff and downsizing, planning to carry less stuff makes me very happy.  However the disorganization of our house right now makes it so I can never truly relax.  Thankfully I have our craftroom/office that is completely done so I do have a little bit of solitude as long as I don't look out the door. 

One thing that is really stressing me (aside from trying to sell our house) is finding a place that I like in Alaska to live.  I have become a little too obsessed with AHRN's website looking at houses to rent, and the worst part is we are still too far out from moving to really get an idea of what will be available when we get there at the beginning of May.  It doesn't help that there is really no consistency with pricing that I can see, some newer 3bd 2ba homes are the same price as some 2bd 1ba homes that look very out dated and a little neglected, and the newer homes are few and far between.  And you have to watch out for those tricky "Dry Homes", which do not have an indoor toilet.  That's right you get to freeze in an outhouse at night...no thanks!  And you are welcome to anyone who planned to visit!

I have found that I am struggling a little more than I thought I would about saying goodbye to our house.  Granted I didn't help pick it out, Matt had bought the house a few months before I moved here, and I never really thought it would come to grow on me like it has.  We have so spent so much time getting it from a bachelor pad to a home, and now just after we are married I have to learn to part with it.  Trust me when I say these emotions are unexpected.  So to counter that, I have been trying to get excited about out next home, but that seems pretty much impossible so far out.  So instead I will share my mini woe's with you.  However before my moaning session gets out of hand I will re-direct to more exciting and positive thoughts.

Here is my Bucket List so far for Alaska:

In no particular order

(none of these photos are my own, if they belong to you please let me know and I will give you credit, or if you want me to remove any photos I will. I tried to find the sources for each photo and give credit where I could)

The Wheat Field

1) Pan for Gold

Travel Tips

 

2) Guided Segway tour of Fairbanks

Downtown Associations: Fairbanks

 

3) Chena Hot Springs

terragalleria.com
 

 

4) Record our Trip

Vimeo

This has been re-pinned so many times I can't find the Original Origin.

All Women's Talk

 

5)  Go Hiking

Original Origin Unknown

Angel Rock

Alaska.org

Hikers on Angel Rock

 

Granite Tors Trails

Alaska.org

All Trails

 

6) Visit Pioneer Park

Famous Wonders

 

Famous Wonders

 

7) Vist Musk Ox Farm

Musk Ox Farm

 

8) Go Ice Fishing

Original Origin Unknown

Original Origin Unknown

9) See Ice Art competition

Sculptures

4th Place World Ice Competition

USA Today

 

10) Kayak the Chena River

Lonely Planet

National Geographics

 

11) Visit the Ice Museum

Ice Museum



Ice Museum
 

 12) Play glow in the dark Mini Golf

Mini Golf

 

13) See Alaskan Pipeline

PBS

 

14) Photograph the Northern Lights

 

15) Visit Alaskan Railroad

Wild Nature Images

 

16) Visit Denali National Park

PBase

Wild Nature Images

 

17) See Santa at the North Pole

North Pole Santa

 

18) Live in the North Pole

Address North Pole, AK

 

19) Kayak near glaciers

Photography Atlas

Blaine Harrington Photography

 20) Photograph sled dogs

Dog Sledding

 

21) Go skiing

Liftopia

 

22) Visit the Arctic Circle

Alaska Denali Travel

Travel Alaska

 

23) Take a Whale boat tour

Crossinglandnatur

 

WE12Travel

 

Or just go on a Whale Watching Kayak trip...even better!! Yes Please!

24) Go camping in the mountains

Markus Pouch

 

25) Build an Igloo

How To...

 

26) Build lots of Snowmen

 

 

27) Drive a snowmobile

Wilderness Collective

 

28) Go hunting

Hunting Alaska

Big Game

 

29) Photograph an Ice Cave

Mendenhall Ice Caves, Juneau, Alaska

 

Ice Caves not Alaska though

30) Photograph Animals

Moose

Moose Painting

Alaskan Wildlife Conservation

 Seal

Harbor Seals in Alaska

 

 

 Polar Bear

Fine Art America

 

Black Bear

Origin Unknown

 

31) Learn to fly fish

Louis Bellin photography

Cabins For Everyone

 

32) Learn to tie my own lures

How to...

 

DIY...yes please

33) Go Dog Sledding

 

Can't wait to try this...with a guide of course!

 

34) Go Salmon Fishing

Original Origin Unknown: But I have seen this photo dozens of times.

 

35) See Reindeer 

 

 

 

While we still have almost 4 months before we make the long trip to Alaska, and we have so much to do to even get ready to leave, I am still adding to my bucket list.  Alaska is such a huge state with so much to do.  I know I will have fun photographing and recording so much of it.  And I can't wait to share with everyone each one of these things, and even things I didn't expect.