The Broken "Give a Damn"

Good Evening Cyber Space,

I must admit I am so grateful to everyone who has taken a look at my blog, I am honestly so appreciative of all the love and support I have gotten trying to start this.  I have a few blogs in queue that are awaiting pictures, and one particularly entertaining one that I will have to work on an actual photo-shoot for.  Aside from that, nothing I have started is actually ready to share, yet I felt like writing anyways.

But what to write for the time being?  Something funny, something from the heart, something about my fur-babies, or more about military life?  Well here goes, I can't promise its going to be a page turner but here goes....




Well not out of the country but definitely not here soo...readers beware!

This is a phase, this is only a phase!  So this weekend I spent the first two days of my three day weekend not feeling the best, and with just a few weeks left till Matt comes home I think for lack of a better term or phrase the best I can describe my state of mind is "My give a damn is busted".  No matter how long your sentence is (my way of referring to the time spent on the deployment/TDY) I think the first three-fourths of that time you spend doing all the things I mentioned in my previous blog.  We keep the house clean, we get ourselves flowers, if you have kids you keep your schedules, and almost blindly move through the motions trying to complete those bucket lists and finding ways and things to do that make you happy (when the real goal is to pass the time, and feel accomplished at the end).  However at some point just before you can realistically handle a count down, you spend a little time just not caring about anything....you realize the "give a damn" you have held onto so tightly has been squeezed a little too tightly and is now broken! 

I will certainly get to this point very soon!

-The dishes didn't get done...oh well, you may even move to paper plates for a period of time...no judgments here

-The floor isn't swept or mopped...nobody here to see it anyways...did I mention you likely become even more reclusive during this stage...its understandable

-The grass needs to be cut....well the neighbors aren't complaining yet...just to be safe don't make eye contact

-The mail is piling up....it's cool I know the bills are paid

-The laundry room has now become a dressing room....darn my productive streak two weeks ago when I did all the laundry in the house with no spare energy to put it away

-The vacuum cleaner that I used last week is now a coat rack because I haven't put it away yet...its ok its already out when I need

-You still need to hang those new pictures for the wall....but I need to research on pinterest to figure out the best placement....3 weeks later...I'm still not sure, but I can organize the entire pantry from the dollar store when I find free time.

-The SUV needs to be cleaned out and vacuumed...lets just hope I don't get selected for a random car search on base, it will be totally embarrassing...but for now I just don't care

-The dogs need a walk and some exercise....does using the pen light in circles in the living room count?....no well I should have video taped it to share cause it surely entertained the heck out of me

-You haven't checked something off your massive to-do list in a few days...yes its giving you anxiety but you are committed to the broken "give a damn" and you are no quitter

-Lets not talk about meal preps and dinners...frozen whole wheat Eggo waffles count as dinner right?

-Grocery shopping...well that sort of goes with the above but is only further proof that you have temporarily reverted to a reclusive status, lets just say when this stage passes cleaning out your refrigerator will be a breeze sine there is nothing in there...this is what I like to call simply "pre-planning"

-Any convenient surface has been repurposed... as a side table for your keys, purse, gym bag, water bottles, mail and even groceries...its cool no judgments here

-The freezer is no longer making ice (or anything breaks)...I better not touch it, he will be home in a few weeks, (even though likely it is a simple fix, remember that "give a damn" and you busted it, so you are obligated to leave it alone)

-How do you use eyeliner again, and why yes I am going for the ombre hair color....because its been a little while since I cared exactly what I hot mess I look like, nobody here to impress so I just don't care



No judgment!

Fear not your "give a damn" is not busted forever, it just needs a break.  Unlike Humpty Dumpty you don't need all the kings horses or men to help put it back together again, you are a Military wife/significant other and you can fix anything!!  It will come back in full panic/"go go" mode as soon as you start your count down (it is a different time frame for everyone).  I am not in panic mode yet but I know the feeling all too well.  You spend a week or two just not caring and have the "I'll do it later" mentality, but once you start counting down you start realizing all you need to do have the house prepared and perfect for the homecoming!  If you are like me you hate surprises, you need time to plan and have adequate time to ensure everything gets done, so you barter to ensure you know he will not try to surprise you!  Now you have laundry to do, laundry to put away, dishes, floors, make an appointment at the hair salon, and YouTube the latest makeup tips since it feels ages since you actually look decent.

The next phase is the "Oh Crap" where did time go phase.  This is where you feel conflicted about time.  On one hand you still feel every painful day with out them, but on the other hand you can't believe that  __(insert #of days he has been gone here)___ has actually passed, you wonder how you ran out of time to get everything done!  And don't be surprised if you find that the switch in your head that controls sleep, also get broken!  Everything breaks during deployments/TDY's its just a fact of life.

So while this was not my intended post for today, and is not filled with tons of pictures as I had planned, this is where I am at.  You go from having it all together and staying busy and trying to enjoy yourself, to not caring about anything, to wondering where the time went.  You will know when I reach my "go-go" mode, because I will be stressed out, till then please nobody stop by with surprise visits or judge me on how my front yard looks, and if you see me pulled over on main gate with sand spilling out of my car...no judgment.  I've spent the last 5 months making sure everything was perfect, learned how to make my own whole wheat ravioli, worked out everyday, prepared letters, emails, packages to send to Matt, planned dates with my mom, wedding planning, cut/edged/pulled weeds and planted flowers to ensure the landscape of the house was perfect...and now I'm shaking it all off "like I just don't care"!

Oh but I'll care soon enough.....

YES we can!!